I know I probably shocked the life out of fangers, to burst out in tears. She even had to do my work for me, coz I couldn’t see anything with those tears in my eyes. And each person that came to talk to me, would trigger the tears again. A thousand apologies to the salespersons, the friends around, and even the people on the MRT train.. everyone who were caught unaware with my sudden tearing and my swollen red eyes. I can’t help it. Every time I think about it.. I just feel very sad. I can’t even do any work. Can’t do anything. I thought that running would induce some happy endorphins in me, but I ended up crying on the treadmill. Fangers told chaota I suffered something worse than a breakup. Yes, it seems like it. It will take me some time to recover from the shock… but I will.

Learning to appreciate things before they disappear

Who’d have expected, that a short conversation would reap such emotions in all of us? Who’d have known.. who’d have guessed.. who’d have wanted such news?

To a bystander, the main concern to me should be whether that’s the end of my future. But that’s like the last thing on my head. Come to think of it, each person that walked out of the room, had different emotions. Overjoyed, Excited, Calm, Anger, Disappointment, Uncertainty, Spacing out.. and i.. just broke down the moment I stepped out of the room. I’m glad I stated that I have only 20minutes to spare, so my agony was shortened. And I was able to hold my emotions until I stepped out. But in order to do that, I only managed to say ‘hello’ when I stepped in, and nothing else until the end of the meeting. When asked for opinions, I just nodded. There was so much I wanted to say, but I just couldn’t, coz I knew that the moment I said anything, I’d lose my control. I’ve never expected any conversations with him to rouse such strong emotions. It really never crossed my mind that he’d ever say such things to me. Things were working so wonderfully. Weren’t they? Why do good things never last? Why am I not given more time to learn and to build this relationship? I was so looking forward to it.. I had told myself that I would learn as much as I can from this model here.. but now.. the chance is taken away. No more.

It may seem so surreal, how I had initially approached E, but got sidetracked and found someone else to replace. Someone that I later found was better. And now, due to circumstances, I’m going back to E. It’s been an amazing 2 years I’ve had.. he promises the calls and the emails.. but it’s never gonna be the same again. Ever.

JOY

and the post school life is so wonderful. been meeting up with everyone, from secondary to uni friends. but still alot haven't met up. haha. slowly slowly.. lots of big plans coming up, including meeting up with my pri3 clique! we haven't met for so many years.. i really love facebook ^_^

so yest after cg, we all went to sign up for the shape run. FINALLY, i'm early enuff and there're still spaces. but, still too late for the goodie bag. bah. i realized i haven't been in town for so long, tt i didn't even noe the way to wisma! >.< it was great meeting up with the TH peeps after tt. i'm really glad that each time, someone takes the initiative to organize meetings.. so we do meet up more n more often.. ^_^ and i did finally step into tt ming ge can ting.. haha.. can't believe it's my first time there.. and to think tt earlier yest i was still complaining to serene tt i hadn't listened to live music for so long, then my dream was fulfiled a couple of hrs later! (tho it was chinese music lah.. haha) it's a pity people are busier nowadays.. and tired.. so we have less time to spend together. but i think it was good time spent. looking forward to the next gathering! (maybe it'd be best when some of them get married.. then have a house of their own to crash.. muahaha)

TAC

Finally, it’s over. What a scare of a lifetime. I was so prepared, having read through my slides a million times, and even got Lin to help me with the preparations. (thanks gal). This morning, boss L (ok, this sounds like Death Note.. haha) helped me with a final rehearsal. The moment I stood up to talk, all the rehearsals and scripts became nothing. I got all tongue-tied and gibberish just kept flowing out of my mouth. Bleah. Just a rehearsal with my very-nice-boss also like that. Lucky he was really very encouraging, and we spent an hour perfecting my slides.

Fangers was so accommodating, to go for an early lunch with me. Being the kiasu me, I wanted to be back half an hr before my presentation started at 1pm. Haha.. I think I am the hardest person to get along with.. must accommodate my timing, must accommodate my food cravings, must accommodate my complains and whining about how stressed I am.

So.. 1pm finally came. And left. I know my tongue got tied a million times during the presentation, I know I answered some questions like a dumb dumb. But I truly enjoyed the session. Stressful as it was, being a meeting with the director himself (and 2 others), I got a whole lot of very useful feedback from them too. Indeed, they asked a lot of questions that set me thinking. Then there was the debate amongst the profs themselves. And.. the proposal from my boss to give me that other project. Which was led by a direct rejection by E. boohoohoo. But I guess they know better. I should not aim too high and juggle so many things. They mean the best for me. Besides all the critical questioning, I must say that they were very encouraging. Ultimately, they weren’t there to put me down, but to help me build a strong building. And the fact that they said the project looks exciting and interesting, meant a lot to me.

Then there were the fun things during the meeting, such as the realization of the “déjà vu” thingie… of what E did to L, and now what L is doing to fangers and I. haha. That was something new that I learnt about my boss. And after the meeting, E was still around, and we had a short chat. (started off being a gossip session, til L joined us in the conversation. Ahha) Being out of the “presentation” setting, it was so much easier to relax and talk to him like a friend. There’re so many things that I would have said to them all if not for my nervousness. (and their lack of time). But oh well, I think things can only get better. Looking forward to the next (still stressful) TAC meeting! ^_^

1pm tomorrow

i hope i do fine. do pray for me. =)

The Peak

It's hard to find a picture of me having fun alone. ^_^

Machu Picchu

I will make it to this mysterious part of Latin America one day.

Just to sit there and admire it's beauty.

need to resist the temptation from buying geeky t-shirts even though there's a sale going on at phdcomics.com.

Is it really possible?

To publish in Science, Cell or Nature?

It just seems too unreachable.

BUT. nothing is impossible. weijia jiayou!! ^_^

should i go for a holiday? or should i just sell away that ticket? i can't remember why i didn't use it last year. i really should have. and the ticket is best for tokyo, but i have missed the best of springtime in tokyo. no more next year to wait for. bah. i hate making decisions.

police and thief

Yesterday, was the day I had another 2 presentations lined up for me. I left home at 9am, hoping to reach school early to prepare for the 10am presentation. It must have been the rain, for buses were much more packed than usual, and I missed 3 buses. I managed to squeeze onto the 4^th 188 that came along at 930am. I was balancing on the steps of the bus, lugging my file and laptop. I took out my wallet to tap my EZlink card. But the wallet just had to slip out of my hand and drop onto the floor. Onto my feet. Because the bus was making a turn, I decided to wait til it stopped at the next busstop before I bent down to collect my wallet. When the bus stopped, an auntie in front of me bent down, shuffled her plastic bag and ran out of the bus. When I looked down, my wallet was gone! Just before the bus driver closed the door, I suddenly stepped out of the bus to chase after the auntie. She had run into an office building, and I followed her in. I found her shuffling around with her handbag and plastic bag. When I asked her for my wallet, she opened up her plastic bag to say that there was nothing. Then she shouted some stuff in hokkien (which I cannot understand) and ran into the lift. Before I could react and ask to check her handbag, the lift door had already closed. I couldn’t see which level she went to, for there were other people in the lift. I walked out of the building feeling all so unlucky. For a moment, I wondered if the wallet could have been still on the bus. Dismissed that thought as I remembered double checking the floor, I went back into the building. The directory of the offices was so long! 8 levels, but multiple companies. I didn’t know where to start from, so I anyhow pressed ‘level 5’ in the lift. There was another guy in the lift, and I asked if he happened to know which level had a auntie working there. When he found out about my incident, he recommended I go to level7 to report to the management there. So there was one main office that manages the building. Holding some hopes, I told the 3 ladies in the office about what happened. After some discussion, they decided that there were too many aunties that fit my description, and they couldn’t do anything about it. So I left my number with them and left. Leaving the building for a second time, I went back to the busstop, and realized I couldn’t go to school. Coz I had no EZlink card. And no money. Lucky I had a phone, and called my mum to come pick me up. While waiting for her, I saw an uncle waiting for the lift at the lobby, and decided to try my luck to see if he knows any auntie of his age. He didn’t, but was helpful in bringing me up a few levels to find some other cleaners that may know the auntie. I talked to so many people, who were all so helpful in helping to narrow down the list of possible candidates. I ended up with 2 malay cleaners who suggested I wait at the entrance of the building, for there is only 1 entrance to that place. By that time, my mum had already arrived. Thanks to bong, I managed to get the numbers of all the banks and stuff to cancel all my cards. And my group mates who took over my place for the presentation. I called the police, and they told me they could check out the CCTV. Then the cleaner had to tell me that the cctv in that building is not working. And the security guard had quit recently. What luck! After a lot of discussion with the police, they decided to come down to search the building. While waiting for the police, suddenly one of the cleaners called me over. She was pushing a cleaning trolley, with buckets and all. “the auntie”, she said, and pointed to the trolley. SO I thought she wanted me to check that trolley to see if the auntie kept my wallet there. Then I realized, she was using the trolley to block the lift door, coz the auntie was standing in the lift! Then suddenly I wasn’t too sure if it was her. Height, hair, dressing seemed similar. But hair color was abit different from what I remembered. So I asked the auntie what bus she took to work this morning. “188”, she replied. Then I asked her if she came to work at about 930, then she started shouting a whole lot of stuff in hokkien. That’s when I recognized her. But I couldn’t understand what she was saying. I wanted to tell her that the police were on their way, but if she returned my wallet, I could drop the matter. But she just kept shouting at me in that foreign language, and the 2 malay cleaners also couldn’t help. Luckily, my mum was around and she came in to talk to the auntie. And they both ended up shouting. Haha. Soon after, the police arrived, but the auntie was gone. I learnt from my mum that the auntie had denied everything, even after she said I’d called the police. It was only after she pointed to the cctv (which is not working, but not known to the auntie), then she said she picked up a brown wallet in the morning and can bring down to see if it’s mine. So I waited. Indeed, it was my BLACK wallet. With everything intact. Handing over the wallet, she shouting a whole lot of stuff again, but I didn’t know what she was saying. Unfortunately, the 2 policemen were malay too. Haha. So we had to get my mum to translate again. According to my mum, the auntie claimed she ran off the bus all the way into this building only because she works here. And she picked up the wallet because she doesn’t know who’s it was. But excuse me, if you see a wallet lying amongst a whole pool of people, why don’t you ask the people around to see who dropped it? And if it’s in a bus, why not hand it over to the bus driver? Even if you wanted to hand it over to your office people (which she claimed to want to do) why is it that when I approached you, you denied everything? The intention was obvious, and I could have pressed charges against her. But when the police asked me if I wanted to pursue the matter, I just said nevermind lah. Just keep her records. I just wanted my wallet back. And that auntie, will probably not get employed. (she was still on trial working there lah! And she’s been complained against multiple times ler) Just so glad that there were so many people who were so helpful that morning. All the people working in ODC building. the police. And for my mum for speaking hokkien. It’d have been useless if I had found the person but cannot communicate at all!

Rushed to school right after, ironically in the same 188 bus. 2 hours late, but was in time for the closing. Abit sad that I missed the “most intense debate of the century”, given by my group, but at least everything’s over and fine. Right after lesson, I rushed back to the office, entertained the concerns of my fellow labmates for some time, then had to prepare my next presentation. Had barely finished the slides before it was time to give the presentation to my boss. And obviously he was totally not pleased with my presentation. I think there were less than 20 slides, and I could have finished speaking in less than 15 minutes. But he dwelled into each slide for so long, telling me every single thing that I did wrong (which was everything, by the way), that the whole presentation rehearsal took 2 whole hours. Oh man, so tiring. But I am really glad he pointed out all those stuff. 1 week to improve on it, and I have 1 more rehearsal before the actual presentation to my examiners that same day. Bleah. So stressed with the presentation that I kept rehearsing my lines, leading to me lying on my bed fully awake (rehearsing) til 3+am.

payback time.. boohoo

finally received the letter asking me to repay my loans. boohoohoo. haven't even finished studying and i have to repay loans. luckily it's only 2 yrs of educational loan, and the receiver of the $$ is my dad. but still.. i have no $$!! it's stated that full time students can defer payment. but the interest will continue rolling til i pay back! grr.. so not much benefits in that sense lor. HOWHOWHOW. i have not enough money to pay back.. no cpf to deduct from.. argh. money matters give me bad headaches.

what a bad week..

ok. fine. it was just 2 bad incidents. but it still sucks. yesterday, the first presentation went all so well. but the second one.. bah. i was asked the simplest question in the world, with the answer written right in front of me, but i gave the dumbest answer to smoke my way through instead. ugh. then today at work, i put something in the wrong place. and no, you cannot just remove things and replace in the correct places. no things don't work this way in the lab. screwed up all plans for the next week or so. and i'm not the only one affected by my carelessness. arghhhh

looking forward to yet another gathering on friday to end the week on a nice note. but before tt, 2 more presentations on friday!! >.<

waiting sucks

Morning presentation just ended.. and it's 1.5 hours til i start my next presentation. I hate waiting. I know I am prepared for my presentation. Yet, every minute i look at my slides, i edit them. Add things, remove words, alter the animations.. i know there are countless ways to make it better, and it can never be perfect. But i think this waiting is killing me. Is it really worth the amount of effort i put into it? I know very clearly that other students that have presented before me didn't spend much time on their preparations. I can do the same. It's only 50% of the module, you say. It's only 30 minutes of standing there and presenting. Yet, i can't bring myself to stop improving on my slides, and to stop reading even more about the field so that i can tackle the Q&A with ease. It's a mental war.. in my own brain.. bah..

Finally got back my laptop. 9 days of not having it. Just a change of keyboard, which takes less than a day, took them 9 days to finish. Was so upset at them I was dysfunctional yesterday and I went home early. Had 2 dinners to cool down. Comfort eating. Terrible. spent the entire day scolding them in my head, rehearsing how I’d scold them when I collect my laptop. But now that I have my laptop back, I’m happy.

Sawatdii Kha~~

It's not just April Fool's day today.. it's presentation day.. and it's class 401's birthday.. and it's the first time Thai1 class met after graduating!! ^_^ What a happening day. Tired but wonderful. Too bad 2 outings fell on the same day, and i had to leave an hour after i met my rgs classmates. out of 14 of us who were there (the rest were either overseas or missing), half were like doctors who just finished their final exams 2 days ago. And all are like top top medical students lah. So proud of them. ^_^ 8 years since i last met some of them, but noone has changed. Love them.. hope we make this 1st april meeting a regular thing, since more people are back in singapore now. Thanks JH for organizing this manz! i know it was very very very tough to contact pple after so many years.. appreciate it~

Thai1 outing was even more of a surprise. Wancan just smsed me saying she was going to organize an outing. The 401 outing was being planned for the past few years, but i've never thought of getting together the Thai1 pple! Not that i am not close to them, coz indeed we are! or were. haha. It was one of the modules i enjoyed most in NUS. Even the teacher says she loved our class the most. Some went thailand together after 1 semester together. Yet, after we finished 1/2 semesters, i kinda stopped contacting most of them, save for wancan who's in the same course. So glad wancan is still so active in this language and culture.. 3.5 years of studying thai! goodness. no wonder the embassy wants her. ?acaan brought us to a place that sells authentic thai food. yummy~ I never knew where else to get authentic thai food in singapore besides in church (where my thai friends cook). haha. now i finally now. near MOM! cheap cheap too! And it was so weird meeting them, coz everyone turned up in work clothes! i'm so not used to sitting around pple who were all in office clothes. Lucky today i'm not in my usual t-shirt and jeans, coz i had a presentation.. so i could blend in with them! haha.. after just a couple of hours of speaking thai with them, it's coming back to me. i really hope we do meet more often. when mr blue comes back. practise more and go thailand together! ^_^