Miracles still do happen!

The hard work did pay off. Despite doing more modules than other grad students, i did unexpectedly well this semester. The most amazing being the results of the ethics/philosophy module (where i attempted suicide by writing about the brain and religion, arguing that God exists, in front of an atheist philosophy prof and an atheist neurobiologist).. i got an A+ for that module!! I am so so so very happy!! Haha... the euphoria of my good results still hasn't settled in.. i haven't done so well in so long.. well enough to be on the Dean's list if there was one for grad school! haha. people say that in grad school, noone cares if you have a great CAP/GPA. true. but we do have a CAP/GPA to maintain too, or we'd be thrown out of the scholarship. I'm so glad, i am here to stay. (and my sureties can sleep well tonight too) ^_^

Though i may be asking for alot here, but i do pray that the miracles do extend to my experiments too.. =P

i've found a whisper today..

Ah. i can't wait to get well. Been so bored lying at home, that i went to work. But without a voice. cannot talk. and cannot whisper too hard too, coz i would start coughing. And it's really hard to make pple understand that my loss of voice is really a complete loss of volume, and not just some hoarseness that i don't want people to hear.

It's so funny how kor asked me out to ktv, and when i told him i lost my voice, he commented that he's sure it still sounds good no matter what. err. lose voice means NO VOICE, understand? it's not those low, sexy voices lor.. ZERO decibels, you'll hear nothing at ktv.. listen to cd can ler..

Yesterday when i went back, boss suddenly called me into his office for a discussion. Ha. no voice how to discuss? in the end, he said "ok, i'll do the talking". And i heard my manager laughing from her desk. LOL.

And it sucks not being able to talk and join in conversations. Worse still, i cannot even sit aside and listen. Y? coz if i listen, i will get so agitated/excited that i would attempt to giggle or laugh or whisper something, all of which would lead to me coughing and spreading my germs all over. So... my solution is to sit aside at my desk, eat my own lunch, avoid all social interactions possible. I know i can hear the laughters coming from the pantry.. i know what they're talking about.. i want to be a part of it.. but.. oh well. the big plan cannot start til i am well anyway!! MUAHAHA. That's a bit of a comfort. =P

GCC

As i went back to Grace Covenant Church's website, after many months of not being there, i realized that they have moved. and only at the new website, did i discover that Pastor Young has a blog. As i read through it, I was thrown into a whirlpool of feelings. I miss those days in GCC. I really do. it doesn't matter that i was there only 5 months, and 2 years has passed since. There are some things that i will never forget. walking to the university in the cold, sitting beside steph every sunday, learning new songs, getting touched by pastor young's sermons week after week, the very different easter services, the fasting during lent.. But my biggest regret was not joining their family group. If i ever have the chance to return, may I be more active in that church and join a local family group too.

and it isn’t so bad after all

It’s amazing how I haven’t felt bored at all these 2 days, doing almost absolutely nothing but eat and sleep. I’ve finally re-discovered the joy of just lazing around in bed, resting my body, closing my eyes, listening to music. Even without my radio, I can lie on my bed for hours, drifting in and out of dreamland. And happily enough, I even managed to catch Gary Caoge’s ‘live’ concert at imm on Sunday. Well, sort of. I heard him singing, I heard them cheering, but I was lying in the comfort of my bed. Haha. If not for my room being so much higher (and thus seeing only the rooftop), I’d have used binoculars to catch him in action!

And during the few waking hours when I’m out of bed, I did some reading up of MVP.. ha.. it’s no fun at all! Some patients have to stay away from caffeine (which includes chocolates!).. and to avoid sugar.. (which includes chocs yet again!) there’re lots of changes to lifestyles.. the only one that I like is.. TAKE AFTERNOON SNACKS. Haha. Yahoo~ oh well.. but I guess those are only for patients with serious conditions of MVP. Even if I test positive, I shouldn’t have any big lifestyle changes coz it hasn’t affected me too much in any manner. ^_^ oh but I can use it as an excuse to take tones of afternoon snacks! Heh~

Aging symptoms

Either that, or it’s what university life has done to me. I had maintained a sick-less record from primary 5, all the way until I entered uni. Then, I started falling sick once a semester. And in the recent 3 years, it always has something to do with throat infections and losing my voice. Sian. Luckily my body always knows when I have the time to fall sick. It was only after the YA walk, CG and dinner, when I reached home, then I started feeling dry throat and slow rising body temp. Sunday it got really terrible.. was in bed from 10pm on Saturday all the way til this morning. And with no important experiments/meetings lined up this week, I could rest in peace. I didn’t even sleep a wink last night coz my headache was so bad. Amazingly, after breakfast this morning, my fever subsided and I got up to watch StepUp2. But halfway through the movie, I felt my body getting hotter again.. so I grabbed lunch (yeah no skipping of meals even tho I am sick!) which was totally yummy PURPLE potatoes, and went back to bed. My fever just kept coming and going. And in my grogginess, I thought.. MALARIA! But my fever came and went every 3-4 hours.. which is way shorter than the cycles in malaria. And I don’t remember any mosquito bites. Still, I finally went to see the doc.

And during the visit, my mum brought up the matter of my heart murmurs. (where I made a booboo about saying heart mutters instead of murmurs. Bleah.) I had ignored it coz I never had a second opinion about it. But upon mention, my doc checked, and said that yeah I do have some heart murmurs. Darn. Then he told me to get a referral from him after I recover. And in the meantime, to ask for antibiotics if I got any tooth extraction/surgery, to prevent infection of the heart valves. And I had gone for wisdom teeth extraction without knowing this!! What a risk I had taken. Doc also said something really interesting—that MVP is more common in tall girls. Haha. Oh well. Will think about the echocardiogram after I get better.

Silly Billy

The silliness of expecting them all to understand. The hope that I've held on to for so long. It's time to let go. They will never understand. Just like any other. And I must remind myself that there is no need for them all to understand. I only need Him to, and He does.

So proud

I have always believed in my brother’s capabilities. He proved it once again. Congrats~~~ ^_^

(and I am so happy to be the first one in the family to be around when he received the news =P)

Surreality

And we finally met. Almost 5 years after we got to know each other, we finally saw each other physically. And it sure doesn’t feel like we have never met before. Not just another virtual friend. It started off as a good friend’s friend. Then, we discovered we had more common friends. And for some reason, he was there to provide a ‘listening ear’, to comfort me and to give good advice during some really tough periods of my life. Like God’s providence. After so many years of online friendship, mr Andy finally made it back home. And I had the honor of meeting him before his family did! Haha. Hope you don’t melt too much in Singapore, dude~

cardless times are over

a month of living without any card to get my money, was a torture. i realize i'm so dependent on cards that i cannot live properly with only cash. each day i go for lunch, i have to think how much i have in my wallet before i know where i can afford to have lunch. each morning, i fear going to the train station with no money in my ezlink card, and not enough cash to top up my card (there's a minimum of $10 for each topup if it's at the machine!) then there's the unhappy shopping experiences, where i cannot just buy what i want, coz i need to check how much cash i have in my wallet. it's so sian going out without a card! i'm so happy.. that 1 month after the theft case, i am finally free of it. life goes on again.. ^_^

SUCCESS!! ^_^

I know self praise is no praise.. but it really is nice! My first time making pumpkin cake, with my mother's supervision, and some minor changes to her recipe.. I'm quite please with the results. TASTY! Though the FatSunshineClub has not been doing much lately due to grad school draining all the energy out of us, they'll still get to try this cake! ^_^

And since school's out for the moment, we've got HUGE plans ahead! Not food related though. I can't believe i'm going to all these actually. It's gonna be so exciting. I hope the country song sounds good! And the video would be memorable (with not too many glitches since i, the IT-idiot, is going to pick up video editing!). and the t-shirt would be worn more often than the striped shirts he now wears. Just our small ways to show our appreciation for all that he's done for us. ^_^

may i see this with my own eyes soon..

up and coming!

It was nice having kor coming by to have a chat with me… trying to fulfil his duties as a bro, I see. Haha. And stephie dropped by Holland v for lunch today! (anyone nearby can ask me out for lunch too!) I really love talking to steph.. always brings back fond memories of traveling the states.. and she was so thoughtful as to choose a viet restaurant today, which was so apt! I think I had more viet food in US than in Singapore.. not just because there are more viet restaurants there, but also coz Pacey is too busy to care about us nowadays!! Boohoohoo.. Pacey… u still owe me my BIG 10-course viet meal…

Today, fangers and I submitted an application. I’m praying so hard we’d get accepted. I am itching so badly to go shopping at those mega factory outlets once again. Results will be out in 2-3 weeks’ time. Hope it’d be good news! >.<

The Lord says, Be strong and courageous!

Thanks for all those who've showered care and concern over me the past week. Those nearby, those i seldom see, those who're half a globe away. I'm totally touched. Thanks for all who offered to keep me in their prayers.. thanks for everything. Things won't change, but my perspective can and will. There's simply no time to whine and be upset about what happened. Maybe things aren't so bad as they seem. In fact, it may be a blessing in disguise. That's how God's plans always work, don't they? Full of surprises. ^_^

from wjh's blog..

更不可能忘记的。。就算再忙。。因为人。。再开心。。也是会不开心的。。

虽然。。觉得自己是个开朗的人。。可是每每见到朋友不开心。。就算自己再沉重。。也会撑住。。逗一逗你们开心的。。伤心的人不会让别人伤心。。。因为他们知道。。伤心已经很痛苦了。。还传给别人干嘛？。。

如果你们身边有个特别开心。。又会关心朋友的人。。那他／她或许有不为人知的一面。。当曲终人散时。。静静一个。。躲在角落。。。慢慢的。。慢慢的把自隐藏在众人的欢笑声中。。。

I know I probably shocked the life out of fangers, to burst out in tears. She even had to do my work for me, coz I couldn’t see anything with those tears in my eyes. And each person that came to talk to me, would trigger the tears again. A thousand apologies to the salespersons, the friends around, and even the people on the MRT train.. everyone who were caught unaware with my sudden tearing and my swollen red eyes. I can’t help it. Every time I think about it.. I just feel very sad. I can’t even do any work. Can’t do anything. I thought that running would induce some happy endorphins in me, but I ended up crying on the treadmill. Fangers told chaota I suffered something worse than a breakup. Yes, it seems like it. It will take me some time to recover from the shock… but I will.

Learning to appreciate things before they disappear

Who’d have expected, that a short conversation would reap such emotions in all of us? Who’d have known.. who’d have guessed.. who’d have wanted such news?

To a bystander, the main concern to me should be whether that’s the end of my future. But that’s like the last thing on my head. Come to think of it, each person that walked out of the room, had different emotions. Overjoyed, Excited, Calm, Anger, Disappointment, Uncertainty, Spacing out.. and i.. just broke down the moment I stepped out of the room. I’m glad I stated that I have only 20minutes to spare, so my agony was shortened. And I was able to hold my emotions until I stepped out. But in order to do that, I only managed to say ‘hello’ when I stepped in, and nothing else until the end of the meeting. When asked for opinions, I just nodded. There was so much I wanted to say, but I just couldn’t, coz I knew that the moment I said anything, I’d lose my control. I’ve never expected any conversations with him to rouse such strong emotions. It really never crossed my mind that he’d ever say such things to me. Things were working so wonderfully. Weren’t they? Why do good things never last? Why am I not given more time to learn and to build this relationship? I was so looking forward to it.. I had told myself that I would learn as much as I can from this model here.. but now.. the chance is taken away. No more.

It may seem so surreal, how I had initially approached E, but got sidetracked and found someone else to replace. Someone that I later found was better. And now, due to circumstances, I’m going back to E. It’s been an amazing 2 years I’ve had.. he promises the calls and the emails.. but it’s never gonna be the same again. Ever.

JOY

and the post school life is so wonderful. been meeting up with everyone, from secondary to uni friends. but still alot haven't met up. haha. slowly slowly.. lots of big plans coming up, including meeting up with my pri3 clique! we haven't met for so many years.. i really love facebook ^_^

so yest after cg, we all went to sign up for the shape run. FINALLY, i'm early enuff and there're still spaces. but, still too late for the goodie bag. bah. i realized i haven't been in town for so long, tt i didn't even noe the way to wisma! >.< it was great meeting up with the TH peeps after tt. i'm really glad that each time, someone takes the initiative to organize meetings.. so we do meet up more n more often.. ^_^ and i did finally step into tt ming ge can ting.. haha.. can't believe it's my first time there.. and to think tt earlier yest i was still complaining to serene tt i hadn't listened to live music for so long, then my dream was fulfiled a couple of hrs later! (tho it was chinese music lah.. haha) it's a pity people are busier nowadays.. and tired.. so we have less time to spend together. but i think it was good time spent. looking forward to the next gathering! (maybe it'd be best when some of them get married.. then have a house of their own to crash.. muahaha)

TAC

Finally, it’s over. What a scare of a lifetime. I was so prepared, having read through my slides a million times, and even got Lin to help me with the preparations. (thanks gal). This morning, boss L (ok, this sounds like Death Note.. haha) helped me with a final rehearsal. The moment I stood up to talk, all the rehearsals and scripts became nothing. I got all tongue-tied and gibberish just kept flowing out of my mouth. Bleah. Just a rehearsal with my very-nice-boss also like that. Lucky he was really very encouraging, and we spent an hour perfecting my slides.

Fangers was so accommodating, to go for an early lunch with me. Being the kiasu me, I wanted to be back half an hr before my presentation started at 1pm. Haha.. I think I am the hardest person to get along with.. must accommodate my timing, must accommodate my food cravings, must accommodate my complains and whining about how stressed I am.

So.. 1pm finally came. And left. I know my tongue got tied a million times during the presentation, I know I answered some questions like a dumb dumb. But I truly enjoyed the session. Stressful as it was, being a meeting with the director himself (and 2 others), I got a whole lot of very useful feedback from them too. Indeed, they asked a lot of questions that set me thinking. Then there was the debate amongst the profs themselves. And.. the proposal from my boss to give me that other project. Which was led by a direct rejection by E. boohoohoo. But I guess they know better. I should not aim too high and juggle so many things. They mean the best for me. Besides all the critical questioning, I must say that they were very encouraging. Ultimately, they weren’t there to put me down, but to help me build a strong building. And the fact that they said the project looks exciting and interesting, meant a lot to me.

Then there were the fun things during the meeting, such as the realization of the “déjà vu” thingie… of what E did to L, and now what L is doing to fangers and I. haha. That was something new that I learnt about my boss. And after the meeting, E was still around, and we had a short chat. (started off being a gossip session, til L joined us in the conversation. Ahha) Being out of the “presentation” setting, it was so much easier to relax and talk to him like a friend. There’re so many things that I would have said to them all if not for my nervousness. (and their lack of time). But oh well, I think things can only get better. Looking forward to the next (still stressful) TAC meeting! ^_^

1pm tomorrow

i hope i do fine. do pray for me. =)

The Peak

It's hard to find a picture of me having fun alone. ^_^